“I didn't kill myself, even though I knew I couldn't do anything more than kill myself”.
A human being is a creature between angelic morality and animal nature. Today you can be a hard worker, an honest person who sees the fruits of your work, and tomorrow you can become a murderer and enjoy that murder. It is quite possible that yesterday you were a religious debtor, calling the country to faith, and today you are a debtor, an in-bet player, a card player, cursing your children day and night. Although you are a corrupt tyrant who has attacked the people's treasury today, a corrupt tyrant who has trampled on the people's dreams, and a criminal who seeks to replenish his power, you may have bequeathed to the Qoja Ahmet Yasawi mausoleum in the Turkestan region for a “solemn burial”. What does this mean? This is due to the fact that the criteria for human evaluation in society are different.
Every day, we see the uncertainties in our beliefs. Once upon a time, the person who pointed out to the local authorities that my father was a "harmful element" who believed in God was an imam. In the 20th century, teachers who complained to the communist party organizations that there was no God and that the country had been "destroyed" became today's mullahs. What's wrong with them? What is the position? Where is the principle? The principle here is profit. He chose this path because he wanted something to come from the “Iskat” and the “Koran”. Of course, there is no doubt that the choice is yours. They say they are going for the reward. But the boon is used for money. "The value of a reward for money is a penny," the code of ethics says.
We also cover our “Main idea” with a layer of glossy paper. Many of us were dragged on stage by our childhood ambitions to “stand out”, holding pens or boxing gloves. How did you get here? I have been interested in this question since I was young. In the end, we hide it because we want to seduce and join our characters, because the sympathizer of that character has left at the behest of the author (when he wrote, he followed this path, turning a blind eye to the ambition). And when we go through the dangerous stages of art in the middle, our hearts do not heal. We do not tolerate difficulties. We say that a writer should be a populist. Who wants to spend 50–60 years in prison like Kazhygumar Shabdanuly? Who wants to hang their legs around their neck, clap their hands and feet, and eat in a narrow cell with a dog insult? It is an awkward thing to say that I chose this path for my own desire. It is covered. It is a shiny paper box. A person who is obsessed with information wants to do something with the flow of that information. That flood of information will get you off this path. We usually consider people, dividing them into two categories, such as “Good people” and “Bad people”. A thinker should not be a person who speaks only about their bare mind and moral qualities. A thought: thinking about the mistakes of your own life is a thought. Leo Tolstoy was such a thinker.
Leo Tolstoy's works “About Life” and “Diffusion” are among the most critically acclaimed works of the Soviet era. First of all, the author wrote this work at the request of the editor of the magazine “Russian Wealth” for the purpose of munahib, and later a series of articles were included in the systematic collection. Although the title of the article was originally called “About Life and Death”, he was forced to delete the second word in the title when he was overwhelmed with doubts. Because this word in the “Concept” of the writer lost its semantic color after the end of the work, while “About Life” is written in the form of a reflection, “Diffusion” is the result of the painful search for the meaning of life in an artistic form over many years. Where did life come from? Does it come from an unjust beginning, or does it come from a mixture of different laws of matter? Humankind has been intrigued by such questions. Focusing on the meaning of human life, the writer refutes the doubts of philosophy and numerous scientific experiments. “Where did I come from and how will I put the benefit? What will happen to me after death?” He seeks the truth in his conscience and thinks about science: “In the language of the science of life, a concept known to me is not explained in a language that everyone understands, and the concepts that come from it do not coincide with the usual concepts. That means they have new, conditional concepts with fictional names”.
These are practical questions that can lead to theoretical destruction, such as the paradox of the bottomless Zeno (proving that Achilles cannot reach the turtle). Or, the miller mentioned in the introduction to Tolstoy's article stopped working and wondered why the water needed for the mill came from the river. The writer says that due to the centuries of controversy, our common question, which we wanted to saturate with the “Secret of Life”, has moved away from the main center and its original meaning. If you put it in the words of Leo Tolstoy, you have to think and contemplate it in this way: Mining gold and silver through the mountains, flying around the world; the gradual development of the scientific and technological revolution, biological electro-microscopes, the cultivation of mobile phone models that transmit personal information from one part of the earth to the other, different types of war, reforms of the upper house of parliament, philanthropy, inexhaustible party debate, universities, white-haired scientists....all this is not a feature of real life. These are improved versions of the information and knowledge bases for all humankind. Human trade, wars, communication, science, and art are just some of the complex activities that are simmering in front of the door of “Life”. The enormous results of modern scientific progress show that it cannot justify its false direction.
The entire science is concerned with the interpretation of the above as “Flow of life”, just as we understand the relationship between people as “Life”. In the days of the prophet Solomon, who ruled over demons and winds, the congregation of demons was very close to the descendants of Adam. It is said that they set fire to each other and shouted at each other. There also was our Creator, who entrusted Solomon with the task of presiding over the congregation of demons. Solomon was not allowed to cast out demons twice, and our Creator agreed to that. In the morning, Solomon had an amazing experience. There was no one in the palace. The street is called a steppe yen. The market is empty. From the beginning, all the people gathered in the mosque and began to pray, not for a day, but for several days without leaving the mosque. Solomon asked the Creator for an enigma. Then the Creator said,
- This is the secret that I did not give my consent to Solomon. If there are no demons among you, there will be no competition in your life, no lust that leads to the sin. Often, there are such fundamental deviations in religious beliefs. In my opinion, the flow of life arises from contradictory concepts. Don't you need black and white paint to create a flow of life? From ancient times to the prehistoric times of philosophy, human educators from different nations of the world have been able to show the true goodness and truth of life, that can solve our internal contradictions, and offer an iron anchor. However, the Pythagorean theorem of 2600 years ago or the discoveries in the fields of physics, chemistry, biology and geometry of 100-200 years ago have served society well.
Leo Tolstoy asked from science the following questions, “Why do I live?” - he asked. Science paused to tell him, “The small particles of infinitely complex structures have been changing in the vastness of space for a very long time, and when you understand the laws of this kind of change, you understand why you live”. Will material needs continue to change in order to constantly change one's inner thoughts and attitudes? If attitudes change, will our values change? Therefore, there will be a knot between the contradictions and similarities of views in the name of the whole change. This knot will be the basis of our tradition.
This answer does not satisfy Tolstoy either. In the fog of vague thoughts, the child gets lost and sets foot on the path of religion. Even the strictest rules and dry morals of religion do not disappoint, and the mind is ten, the imagination is forty. Viewing the hypocrisy of the world and the hypocrisy of the clergy, he said: “What bothers me is that people's lives are just like mine, except that their lives do not correspond to the fundamental principles of the religious beliefs they claim”, - he lamented.
When the preacher left the sermon to the assembled crowd, he recognized it by his own words in the majority of the public, who deviate from their promises and make mistakes, and he just asked and was amazed, “Is it a hypocrite?” In modern Kazakh society, such qualities as justice, honesty, mercy and kindness are evidently dead. And, justice is an attribute of God. Dear Mullah, if you are a priest in the way of truth, why don't you expose this injustice? You are a salesman who eats from the scales and tries to hit the consumer's pocket “If you can”, a builder who deceives the owner of the vision, an intelligent writer who looks smart in a blue box and wrinkles his face in a pub, and a successful businessman. You are a journalist who appears and beats the club of power on the screen ... – everything is hypocritical here.
When I think about it, my heart lobbies. Isn't there a character in the novel “Alien Face” by the Japanese writer Kobo Abe, who burns his face in the laboratory, undergoes plastic surgery and goes to see his wife in a strange way? I imagine an innocent character who was insulted by his wife's betrayal.
Great. Uncle Tolstoy leads to another blind alley. In the park of his private farm in Lesnaya Polyana, he suddenly thought, “Maybe we didn't understand something else?” What is the point of disagreeing? And what is “Something”? What does Jesus mean when you say, “You must be born again”? Let's think from this perspective. Is there any harm other than its benefit? Indeed, whoever sacrifices his life for the good of nature and does not sacrifice his life for the sake of goodness and holiness, will he lose his life by doing so? Is this the truth behind Jesus' words?
May I come from a place of love or necessity... Anyway, I live in a dark society. But one question does not bother me. From whom did I get the “Human qualities” in me, and how were those qualities filtered? “I am capable of thinking, that means I am alive”. According to the skepticism of Cartesian philosophy, I have the right to doubt everything. No matter how many billions of years have passed from Adam to me, no matter how many generations have passed, he is the reason I was born.
The genius Leo Tolstoy argued that the human race could not come into the world without any reason or meaning. By the way, we are probably orphans. However, it is true that we have a loving mother who carries us in her womb, warms us in her arms. If we are abandoned, what is the mystical power left behind? God is Life. Life is God. The science of algebra is based on “Vague” concepts, has been and will continue to be based. These ambiguous concepts are called “Axioms”. Perhaps the writer called the axiom of God, who weighs our honesty and impurity on the scales of law, “Life”.
Translated by Aliya Kulmagambetova